June 08-August 08

July 2008: Kindness in Marriage - Infidelity Today  - Communication Skills

Kindness in Marriage.

“Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32)  Just a few verses after this one, St. Paul makes his famous – some might say infamous – comparison between the love of husband and wife and Christ’s love for his Church.

Is there really a connection between kindness and Marriage?  Is there kindness in your marriage?  If not, what difference would kindness make?

Wordnet Princeton defines kindness as “the quality of being warmhearted and considerate and humane and sympathetic.”  Simply put, kindness is being attentive to each other’s needs.

 Now, I can tell when my spouse is not kind to me, when my needs are not attended to.  But of course, I am the model of kindness.  Except for just a few minor things that don’t really count...

 So, I leave my clothes on the floor? Nobody but my spouse goes into our bedroom anyway!
Dirty dishes in the sink?  I didn’t even see them. Besides, it’s not my turn to do the dishes tonight...
Look, I’ve had a hard day at work.  Don’t expect me to notice how tired you are...

 Don’t overlook the daily opportunities to practice kindness, to put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own.  No act of kindness is too insignificant to count.  Yes, it requires some attention, self-discipline, and training to get into the mindset of doing what I’d like my spouse to do for me. But isn’t it what I pledged to do on my wedding day?  Isn’t that what Christ asks of me?  What Christ does for me? 

It seems quite simple but it can be really difficult! It would be so much easier if I didn’t have to pay attention to anybody but myself.  Besides, it is easy to slide back and get selfish, even in the smallest ways.  Of course we want the best for our spouse, but we are so limited! Kindness is a key to growing beyond our limitations, and the reward on the atmosphere in our home will be well worth the effort.

If you don’t know where or how to be kind, turn to the Lord for help.  He is part of your marriage, after all, and earnestly desires happiness for you and your spouse. He will teach you how to be attentive and discover your spouse’s needs.

And pray for your spouse.  If you are not praying for your own spouse, who else will?  We pray for our neighbors, the sick and suffering but we can forget to pray for those closest to us.  

My Mom learned from her Mom and taught me to offer one whole day of the week for each member of my family. Monday is for my husband, Tuesday for our oldest child, Wednesday for the second, and so on.  A difficult day is a lot more bearable when we offer it to Christ for those we love.  And what incredible graces he wants to give, through the smallest of gestures! 

Yes, kindness costs a little.  But a little goes a long way, teaching us how to give more rather than get more: the key to marital happiness!

Infidelity Today has a New Face.
Sharon Jayson, USA Today July 1^st, 2008

“We used to know what infidelity was: sex with someone other than your mate.
But the 21st century seems to have blurred those clear-cut lines. Is having lunch every day with an opposite-sex work friend a breach of marital trust? What about a flirtation online? If there's no sex, is it really cheating?”

Click here to read the entire article

“If there is no sex, is it really cheating?”  Well, yes!
“Infidelity today is not just about sex but about trust, betrayal and marital disloyalty, even if adultery is not part of the picture.”
These are called “emotional affairs” and they are as dangerous as the sexual ones.

And no, sexual affairs have not disappeared.
Everything we hide from our spouse, all the time and attention we steal away from our spouse or our children can be considered betrayal.
Small betrayals lead to bigger ones.
Small justifications to more elaborate ones.

Why does this happen?

False expectations! Our images from popular culture give us the idea that our spouse should and will fulfill all our wildest desires. Only one can do this: Jesus!
Boredom.  If all we do together is chores and boring stuff - budgeting, balancing the check book, paying bills, cleaning the house – something is missing!
When was the last time we had a deep meaningful conversation?
Have I gotten too tired to fight for our marriage?
Have I forgotten that God is part of our marriage?

What can I do to change?

Turn the TV off
Have fun together.  Go for a hike, play a board game, get outdoors, garden – be creative.  Or do something meaningful and rewarding together, like volunteering at Church, helping relatives, neighbors, the list goes on.
Put Christ first in your life. With God all things are possible.
PRAY, PRAY and PRAY together.
“Love between husband and wife is the fruit of their freely seeking the good of the other and of the children.” Benedict XVI, June 27, 2008. The Vatican.

3- Communication skills:  When “I-Messages” Don’t Work

As you recall, in our final class we asked you to practice a few important communication skills. One of these skills is using “I-Messages.”  While “I-Messages” are a powerful aid to healthy communication, there are times when they seem to backfire.  The following excerpt from Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training gives six reasons why “I-Messages” can fail, and what to do about them.

“When communicating to your spouse, I-Messages carry fewer risks to a relationship than You-Messages and have a high success rate; however, they don’t always work. Below are some tips that might help communication.

1.  Complete Message: Make sure your message expresses all that you mean to say.  Many situations call for all three parts:  1. Non-Blameful Description of Behavior, 2. Effects on you and 3. your Feelings.

2.  Hidden You Message: Included in your message is some form of blame or label, i.e. “when you are so messy…”. Or, you include your solution: “I’m frustrated because I can’t work when your music is so loud, so turn it off.”

What to do: Change the blame to a description of behavior, i.e. messy to - “When your shoes are all over the floor.” Send your I-Message without a solution attached: drop “so please turn it off.” Remember, the goal is for the person to come up with her/his own solution (which is acceptable to you).

3.  Message is Too Weak: After a very unacceptable behavior has continued for several weeks, you say: “I am just a little frustrated because…” Or too strong when the person’s behavior is relatively minor you say: “I am really furious because…

What to do: send a stronger I-Message that reflects the importance and intensity of the effects on you and your feelings. Sending an I-Message does not mean you need to be calm, collected and use a quiet voice. You can send a very strong message with a raised voice when the situation requires it.

Too Strong; reduce the intensity of your message to match the situation.

4.  Continuing Behavior is Meeting Needs: The person understands the effects of her/his behavior and your feelings but continues her/his actions because it is meeting important needs. This indicates it is a Relationship-Owned problem - you both have needs to meet.

What to do: Listen to the person, acknowledge you both have needs and use Method III problem solving to come up with a situation you both like.

5.  Behavior has no effect on you: You don’t like the person’s behavior but it does not seem to have any concrete effect on you.

What to do: This may indicate that you are in a Values Conflict. Use the PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) Values Conflict Strategies to deal with the situation.

6. Spouse Gets “Flooded” by your I-Message: I-Messages don’t blame or attack, however, people don’t like to be confronted about their behaviors. The person may still feel picked on, hurt, guilty, etc. and react defensively.

What to do: Active listen to the person to reduce her/his emotional “flooding” before sending another I-Message. Continue this process of “Gear shifting’ until she/he can hear how her/his behavior affects you.

Gear-Shifting

While I-Messages produce less defensiveness from others than You-Messages, it’s obvious that nobody welcomes hearing that her/his behavior is causing someone else a problem, no matter how the message is phrased. Even the best constructed message may cause a person to feel hurt, sorry, surprised, embarrassed, defensive, argumentative, or even tearful. After all, she/he has received a message loud and clear, that her/his behavior is unacceptable, troublesome or hurtful to you. Often, the person’s first reaction will be one that lets you know that now she/he has a problem. On a chart, she/he would have a high “emotional temperature”.

You will almost always defeat your purpose if you continue to repeat your I-Message when the person reacts negatively to it. If you do, her/his emotional temperature will go even higher and she/he will resist hearing you even more strongly.

To increase the chances that the person will hear your I-Message, you’ll need to Active Listen and acknowledge her/his upset feelings. This shifting helps the person deal with her/his newly created problem and it also demonstrates your understanding and acceptance of the person’s reactions. It says: “I see that you’re upset and want to hear you.” Listening gives the person a vent for her/his feelings, a chance to go deeper and if necessary an opportunity to do problem-solving. It lowers the person’s emotional temperature.

So as soon as you become aware that your I-Message has caused a problem for someone, you’ll want to shift gears from talking to listening. It’s a temporary shift and doesn’t mean that you are letting go of your needs, but it shows that you are interested in her/his needs and feelings as well. When a person feels heard and accepted, the chances are much greater that she/he will be able to hear and accept your I-Message.”

For questions, comments, or compliments, please contact:  family@gordontraining.com or call: 800.628.1197

Reprinted by permission of Gordon Training International
To go further read Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Dr. Thomas Gordon

June 08-August 08